I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize