While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize