omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
All I want is dick and wine.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
