I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Randomize
