dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize