thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I didn't notice because vodka
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
