How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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