Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I have tasted many bathrooms
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