I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Randomize
