Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
