toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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