when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
there is glitter all over my balls
Randomize
