woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
