Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
