Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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