Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
