i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I will die if light touches me.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
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