I'm pants shitting drunk right now
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
