My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Randomize
