I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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