feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
