nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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