I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
