shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
