Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize