I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
