I will die if light touches me.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
