My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
