I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize