Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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