My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Randomize
