when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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