mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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