did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
