so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize