You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
