Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
