The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Randomize
