We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
