Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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