I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
