I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
