I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
