If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
