Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
