we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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