I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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