I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
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