my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Is Oprah even human
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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