I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
