you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
