You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
