Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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