I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
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