the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
