i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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