Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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