Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize